Have you ever asked yourself, Why did I say that? or Why did I say it like that? It’s a really interesting exercise. To stop, for a brief moment, and review how you said what you said. To step back for a second, free from the emotion of the situation, and ask what was my reasoning for those words or that tone. We rarely, if ever, take the time to revisit the things we say. As if they offer no information or possible learning experience once the words have left our lips. We have this mindset that we can go back and apologize for those words, excuse those words, or simply blame others for having to use those words or tones.
The reality is that those words and tones have evidence on them. Not simply fingerprints that identify that they came from you, there is that, but also the DNA to determine what and how those words and tones were built. How we constructed, often without even thinking about it, those sentences and the slight changes in volume or emphasis. The structure that really gives the words form and meaning. The building blocks that can weaponize those words. We make those instantaneous decisions guided by so many possible variables that we may never even consciously consider.
We should take more time to go back and sit with those decisions and those words. To look at them and ask ourselves why did I say it like that? Why did I use those words? Examine the resentment or anger that may have led to you reacting in a sharp or snide manner. Ask yourself why you were harboring those emotions? What is missing or what am I not doing that has created this pent up frustration? Or perhaps it was indifference that you reacted with? What am I distracted by? Why do I seem to be uncaring? Maybe you have come with especially happy and thoughtful words. Examine that too. Try to learn about the things that we overlook about ourselves.
We may want to chalk it up to something simple like I was just having a crappy day. That is fine. That is an explanation. What can you do to have fewer crappy days? Is there anything I control here? What can I do differently? Some days the answer is nothing. In fact, many times it may be that nothing could have changed your response. That doesn’t relieve us of the responsibility to examine those moments. To look beyond, “that’s just who I am”, to look at what led us to those decisions. It doesn’t mean you will correct it right then, it simply means you begin the practice of noticing and caring enough about yourself to ask why. Those moments are opportunities to become better, to learn, and to grow.