I remember when I was 16 I had very little real knowledge of what the world was going to be like once I got out there and lived in it without daily in person support from my family. I don’t recall even thinking about it. I suppose I just adopted the ideas that everyone else had always pushed. That it will be exciting, freeing, and adventurous. The notion that being released from the shackles of the oppressive parental overlords would free me to truly learn who I was and flourish in the world. I heard that narrative from my friends, from the movies I watched, the music I listened to, and the television I watched. The adults in my life had been casted in my mind as obstacles to my true self. That the institutions in place had been trying to shield my eyes from truth and push me away from thinking on my own. It wasn’t that I disliked those adults, they were fine, they just didn’t understand. They were old and out of touch. They meant well, but just didn’t get it.
I knew from my experiences up to this point that the world wasn’t fair. It wasn’t a place that was going to conform for me. Life up to that point, I felt, hadn’t treated me very well. I was dealt blow upon blow of loss and change. Forced to adapt and move. To meet new people often and confront big existential ideas. I was still there, but barely. In my head, I did it all completely on my own. My parents were working, my siblings were living in their own worlds that I wholly did not want to be in, and the other adults in my life sounded flat and unconcerned. I knew that the solution was I needed to just get away from the people and places that were a part of that traumatic world. That lack of proximity would create change and give my mind the chance to reboot.
What I came to learn was that it wasn’t my location. It wasn’t that I was under the control of out of touch adults. It wasn’t even that my earlier years were filled with trauma. All of those things were true. All of them impacted me. To get away and experience life on my own was absolutely beneficial. It helped me develop self confidence and discipline. It forced me to see the realities of living and making your way in the world day by day. The sacrifice, awareness, and thoughtfulness it requires to plan and survive in an unfair world.
The real lesson was learning that the adults weren’t suppressing my spirit, they were cultivating it. The world wasn’t unfairly targeting me, the world is just unfair. The loss and change I experienced wasn’t trauma it was education. My ability to navigate the world I so desperately wanted to get out into was bolstered by what I saw as impediments. The obstacle wasn’t an obstacle at all. The obstacle was the teacher, the counselor, and the master. Without those obstacles I would never have been prepared for that world I sought. Those obstacles were all just practice for the next obstacles that are inevitably going to come.