We have the tendency, at times, to take others actions, statements, or behaviors as some judgement of us. As if they are only acting a certain way as a response to some action we perpetrated against them. Perhaps there is merit to that thinking at times. However, it is likely that most of the time we are simply making up these stories to give meaning and understanding to their actions. There may very well be a meaning to their actions, but trying to imagine what it is, is fruitless.
We can’t know those things. Those stories we tell ourselves usually involve us being either the target of their behaviors or the culprit that forced their decisions. And maybe we are sometimes, but the only person that really knows that is them. We waste our time and energy creating these stories. We wash ourselves with anxiety, frustration, and fear, and imagine faults in ourselves that grow out of these tales we dream up. It feels like when we do this we are just seeking some understanding and trying to grasp what may be happening with the other person. We tell ourselves that we are smart and can read situations and our experiences point us in the correct direction for this story telling. We accept this thinking as good enough because we are trying to avoid confrontations.
If the concern we have about another’s behaviors or actions is important enough to us then the only true means of addressing it is to ask the person. Yes, this may be uncomfortable and scary but it is the only action that is going to give us something approximating the truth. We may not like the answer. We may want to argue. It may be hurtful or create even more confusion. It may validate our story. Or it could be reasoning that was simple and had nothing to do with us. The key is that we heard it from the person. That we give them an opportunity to tell us their story. They may lie or not answer or become irritated but this will bring us closer to having a true discussion about what is going on.
When we are the ones on the other side of this discussion we want to share our story. But we are often frozen by the same fears and anxiety. Having someone else initiate those discussions is often a relief. That the scariest part of the conversation has been breached and we didn’t have to endure the anxiety of doing it. Of course we will encounter those that don’t want to have that discussion at all. However, it is more likely that people will be grateful that someone is concerned enough about them and the truth to actually ask them for their story.
We are complex little creatures that require a ton of finesse within social interactions. Getting closer to the truth and having honest forthright discussions requires us to be uncomfortable but also open to those interactions. We have to remember when we start role playing scenarios in our head that it usually only gains us more anxiety and frustration. Have the conversations. Make an effort to become better at engaging people in these situations. It is a life skill that will grant us more happiness, better relationships and greater peace.